I went to see dad today at PHH. When I walked in, I was not at all prepared for what I saw. Dad was sitting in a wheelchair, VERY swollen with edema, with his head hanging, mouth open, and fast asleep. I talked with Becky for a minute before I sat next to him and rubbed his back gently. He woke up, looked at me, and looked a bit surprised to see me. He did this same thing a handful of times before he got used to seeing me there.
He is very shaky, can't stand on his own, and can't talk except for a gravelly whisper that is very hard to understand. A nurse came in to give me an update on his meds and said that they have been giving him Ativan since he's been so restless and is a danger to himself as he's a fall risk and could pull out his IV. I asked them to please stop giving that to him for now until Doug comes out to see him tomorrow. It makes him seem much worse than he really is.
But, I talked to the nurse and she said, "this is what happens at the end". I asked her how much time she thought he had left, and she said, "days".
I had only been there for about 10 minutes, but I had to leave. I gave him lots of kisses and hugs, and he wanted to stand. He wrapped his arms around me as best he could and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I told him I loved him and he told me he loved me. He then gave me a little head bonk, and that's when I really lost it. I gave Becky a hug and barely made it to the parking lot before the sound of the puppy whimpering in my throat made it to my lips in a full blown sob.
I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this, but I felt like I needed to write it down before I forget it.
I imagine most of his problems are from his declining blood counts. He hasn't had blood or platelets since leaving UCSF and I'm sure that's why his voice is gone and he's so weak. He's also very pale. If your blood carries oxygen to your brain and organs, then what happens when you don't have enough cells to carry that oxygen???
i hate this!!!!!!!!!! i hate this all. i hate cancer as well. jen im so sorry you have to see that and go through it. i love you so much and i love dad so much, this is killing all of us. my heart is very much broken. breaks it everytime i read the blog, but i think by far that was the worst and hardest to read.
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