Harder Than I Thought

I think some of my siblings and I are a bit shocked at how less-than-stellar we are dealing with the loss of our dad. I thought it would be easier after the funeral and it would only get better, but it's gotten worse! Apparently, this is normal. Most people we talk to tell us that it takes about 3 months to stop feeling the tightening in your chest and for the leaky eyes to slow down a bit. 

3 months? Are you kidding me? This blows. Some days are good, others are awful and I can't stop feeling anxious, depressed, tired, angry, etc. I have yet to sleep a full night in the last month.

I went to the cemetery the other evening for a visit. That was depressing. Standing next to a large patch of dead grass with flowers marking where he lies. Not how I should be visiting my dad. I couldn't stop thinking that this isn't right, this is not what was supposed to happen, someone made a mistake! He's not supposed to be HERE! I'm not supposed to be here "visiting" him! 

Who do I call to complain? Who's in charge of this process anyway? I'd like a return please. You can't do that? I want to speak with your manager! I am not leaving here without my dad! Call the cops, then. I don't care. I'll make a scene, I swear I will! You'll wish you never messed with a Tovey! You think my dad was bad, you just wait until my brother Doug hears about your refusal to return my dad, you'll regret it! Okay, fine, I'll go. I understand, some things just can't be done. But, please at least tell me this - Is he happy? Did he get met by a lot of friends and family? Is the pain gone? Does he miss us?

I'm sure dad will be the best tour guide in heaven when we get there. I wonder if that's why he went so long before us. He really wants to master things up there so he can show us the ropes. He'll have some of the best new stories, and he'll have tons of people he'll want us to meet! 

Until then, I'll just hold on to the memories I have of him here with us. There's a bunch. And there's a lot of great stories left to tell.