I'm glad to say that I've gotten past the part where I hate everyone and everything... for the most part. I've never been one to summarily dismiss an entire year as bad, or unlucky, or vexed. It's not the calendar's fault. 2011 had no ill will towards me. It's us that lump time and experiences together. That being said the resetting of the annual clock, as we start another trip around the sun and the earth tips back and forth, seems like as good a time as any to start moving ahead. But like Jenny said in her last post, there's new meaning in this year. 2012 is the first year without him. I don't know how to feel about that... except affected. It now is what it is and we can choose to attach meaning to this year or not.
I've been searching these past 8+ months to understand what's "normal" for someone in our position. At last I've realized there isn't such a thing. I can only do what feels fair and healthy for myself. I'm finding myself talking about him less with people, especially family- the people that matter. This doesn't feel right. And neither does talking about him arbitrarily just cause I feel like I "should." I can see now how families just don't talk about someone they've lost. There's never a good time.
I do feel like I need to put up some pictures of him. I need to face this loss more often. It's easy, especially for me, to make myself extremely busy. I do enjoy my hobbies, and it's certainly a better approach than doing nothing and being depressed, but they are distractions from being left alone with these thoughts. I need to face this more. I want to see his face more. Next step: summon the courage to frame my favorite photos of him. I need to learn to live with him as a memory instead of what he is now... a missing person.
But that much is sure.... I miss him.
I really, really miss him.
- Craig
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