The past four years between me and Dad were almost entirely silent. I was unhappy with the situation but I didn't know how to proceed so I did nothing. I was uncomfortable talking to him when I learned he had cancer, and only called a few times. I ignored the nagging feeling urging me to reconcile and find a way to be helpful and supportive. I reasoned that I had my hands full with 5 small kids and was 800 miles away anyway. I waited too long to write some important things down in a letter and he didn't have the stamina to read through it.
Can I please try again? I can see how thoroughly I botched this thing and if I could just take another crack at it I'm confident I would knock it out of the park. Who's running this operation anyway? Give me a minute and I'll talk my way into another chance. I'm good like that.
I need to try again. I'll do it better, I promise.
Dad, I'm sorry. I am sincerely and terribly sorry for us both. . .
-Wendy
-Wendy
Dammit. I just did my makeup.
ReplyDeleteWen, I'm sorry for all of you that live so far away and were unable to be here for him during the last year. I was VERY lucky to be living here and have the opportunity to help him and be near him. If I lived farther away, my story would have been the same. In fact it was the same until we moved back but even then we had minimal contact until he was sick.
The problem is, we are who we are and he was who he was. I would love to say that I would have acted much differently, but the truth is, I probably wouldn't have changed much. We do what we can with what we've got. We were robbed of our time with him and we can only be grateful for the little things we did do right while he was here. The visits, the calls, the support.
He left us knowing that we loved him very much and that is really all that matters.
Jen
Damn, Wen.
ReplyDeleteDad loved you a lot. Maybe more than he loved me or anyone else. Well, maybe not more than Vicki. It was more than a little difficult to make life work with him. But guess what? Even when you do, like I did, you still miss him. It still hurts. There's no way around all this.
Our Dad's gone and it HURTS. But not because of the past, because of the future we don't get to have with him. You went out and saw him and literally the day before he stopped recognizing all the familiar things around him, he saw you and you told him you loved him. That's plenty good.